The Apple

I am transcribing from words written on physical paper. As for stories, I'm having painstaking difficulty getting anything creative out of my mind. I'm having painstaking difficulty doing anything these days. I just want to sleep, really, and smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink a lot of alcohol. Sorry for being drab. I'll get over it some day:

I have been spending a lot of time void of any deep, intellectual reflection, and more than anything I know I need to be absorbed in that which is far removed from my emotions. So, disgusted with myself, and seeking to purge myself of myself during the nights in very alcohol enriched, psuedo-cathartic sessions, I have reserved the blaring daylight hours to pore very slowly through the piles of reading that have been collecting in my room. The sight of them has filled me with so much anxiety that I can't do much else but wrench from that guilt some kind of action, and for the little time I am able to bear it, it seems to be doing me much good (that is, until I stop for the world outside me and realize that I am some kind of existence doing not much else but existing.)

My usual remedies involve some kind of violence, and it seems silent destruction is my favorite kind, as for some malignant twist of thinking I feel I must consider my place in the world, meaning I guess the affect I have- or don't have- on others, and so these considerations force me to be worse as a human being in the dark more than I think I am being well in the light. And really so much worse in the light, in the end.

I was thinking of Eve and her tasting of the apple. It was brought to my attention- and although having grown up in a fairly christian household, I never considered this, perhaps for the spiritual aspect of it has always been more emphasised- that the knowledge that opened her eyes to sin did not give her precisely the knowledge of God, but only the discernment and tendancy for evil. Maybe I don't mean tendency for evil, for her curiosity alone that led her to her actions has always made me feel that "evil" was always stirring somewhere in human hearts. She didn't inherit a tendancy for sin from the forbidden fruit, it was inherent within her the moment God breathed into the nostrils of man, fashioned Eve from the rib of that man. God had established their free will. So in that frightening moment of awareness the creation was stripped of a blindfold and saw what God saw, but was not bestowed the capacity to understand it. And thus, that itself is the downward spiral: Humanity unravels in their actions as they are not in step with the guiding hand of God. We cannot side-glance our path as we walk throught the flames He whispers will not destroy us; a lack of faith would incinerate our ties to freedom. Is it freedom? That I cannot yet determine, and it is something my mind as well as what little soul I seem to own agaonizes over (I have little mind. I am so much little of anything). But, returning back to what faith means, it is the crown God intends man to desire all his life, without, not to my knowledge, ever attaining what God knows in full.

"Adam, Eve, love me" is mostly how I feel about it, and "Adam, Eve, I rule you" is how I think about it. I'm not going to lie and say I have neutral, near-conclusions about either of these assesments, and I am embittered in my often infantile methods that I am ever so slothfully adjusting. I guess I wonder then what makes God, God, and I am reduced to many veins that connect to no properly functioning organ when I question my own challenges to Providence, casting off that ghostly diadem of faith. I know it in my heart, without more concrete justification, that my defiance will only bring more heartache, some eternal punishment, even if it is not one as necessarily outlined in these books written by man, even if it is of all the books from West or East or in the mind of man and hands of some higher thing not yet realized. It is not just curiosity, it is anger. I want my sight free of this hinderance, so that what I am looking for can be more accurately studied.

Come to think of it, what am I looking for?